062Y55A00 13/03 Parental Leave

Wow! I only saw now that yesterday had been Friday the Thirteenth. Traditionally the unluckiest day one can have. Last month I flew back from Thailand on Friday Thirteenth and, although I am not a superstitious person, if I could have changed my booking, I would have!! As it was, everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong but not to the extent of the aeroplane actually crashing - (which was the stupid thought that kept going through my head!)

As I told you, the topic we discussed was one I had also given to another class this week - and it was amazing what a different discussion I had with both classes. Anyone who is interested can go to the article on 062Y55A03 dated 10/03 and have a look.

At the end of the class, amongst the guys, the reactions were pretty much equal: three supported the idea of 6 months as the Primary Carer [the person who does most of the duties of caring for someone who is not independent: a sick person, a baby, someone who is mentally retarded etc.], three were against it and one was undecided.

That was pretty much how we had started out, so no-one actually changed their mind. But that's not the reason for these discussions. The whole purpose is to allow everyone to share the reasons for their opinions, to defend those reasons if need be, [if its necessary] to explore whether our reasoning is based on factual evidence or blind prejudice but, most of all, to understand different points of view. As I keep on saying, the key to harmony is understanding and tolerance. Just because someone holds a different view to us it doesn't mean they are "against" us.

Sometimes, after discussion, someone might change their mind about something but this, of course, is why I really want YOU to discuss things. If I am just standing up and talking about something and someone changes their mind then its possible they are doing so for the wrong reasons. I love it when you defend your own positions and express yourselves. There is a very famous saying in English (most people seem to think it was the French philosopher Voltaire who said it, but it wasn't. It was a person who wrote a book about Voltaire):
"I might not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

The whole idea of a long period of paternity leave where the father is sole carer came about because, traditionally, men have been excluded from the world of babies and children. Although individual families have always, since the beginning of history, refused to go along with certain ideas or behaviours ( we call such persons individualists and they are highly regarded by most, but thought to be strange or stupid by others), society is organised around an idea that no longer exists: that the man, who is physically stronger, should be the one to go out and defend his family, while the woman stays inside the home and nurtures.

This idea worked very well in primitive societies but, as civilization has speeded up and changed, it is something that people - especially men - have started to question in modern society.

Once women started to go outside the home to work they also started to question this way of thinking. If both partners are both working to support the family and are not staying inside the home why should one person still be expected to work outside the house AND inside it as well? Things have therefore changed in modern society where most couples share both monetary support of the household and the work inside it.

But child care is still, in many societies, expected to be done by one person exclusively for the early years of a child's life.

Because traditionally the mother's role was to nurture the child and the father's role to discipline and "toughen up" the child, many people firmly believed that there was something innate [built in; part of] a women that gave her special knowledge of children and babies. However, once women became part of the work force it soon became obvious that these "special skills" were only a result of her spending more time with babies and children - whether she wanted to or not - it was something she learned. Once this was recognised fathers started to question why they couldn't learn these skills themselves.

It became obvious as divorce often left a father alone to care for the children, that he could do so just as well as a mother who is left alone could do. Of course in each case, being a sole parent is not the best way for a child but, given these limitations, sole parents of either gender either managed successfully to bring up children alone, or failed: in equal numbers. Gender had nothing to do with it. (Most, btw, succeed).

When a new baby is first brought into the household both parents are equally scared, ignorant and confused. But, after a couple of weeks, once the father has returned to work, the mother is left alone (or with another female relative) to get to know and understand the child. Of course, as she spends the most time with the child she learns more about it than does the father. She becomes the one who can soothe it when it cries, (which, apart from eating and poohing, is about all a baby does for the first few weeks) and get it to go back to sleep.

Thus the father even when he is home, relies more and more on the special "mother's touch" to comfort the baby so that, in time, it is the mother to whom the baby looks for nurturing, reassurance, comfort. More and more the father's role becomes just to do practical things or to play with the child. The process of alienating the father from the child has begun. And the myth that "only a mother understands" is kept alive.

Of course, there are many people who are perfectly content with this situation. They expect it and don't want it to change.

But, more and more, young couples want to share their lives and their children completely. Father's want to be equally as important in all ways as mothers. Mothers want to share the heavy burden and responsibility.

Numerous studies, conducted since the 1970's and tracing children's progress from babyhood to adulthood have shown that a child who has two carers rather than one Primary Carer, grows with more confidence, less hang ups and actually seems more intelligent. Parents, by sharing their roles, also suffer less stress and resentment and the result is a stronger, happier family unit. Not always, of course. People aren't machines, so there will always be exceptions. Nothing is ever guaranteed.

The idea of giving both mother and parent equal opportunities to parent their child, even if made law, is not mandatory [forced on anyone]. It is simply put in place for those couples who choose to make use of it. As our discussion proved, some people will not want to make use of it. But without it, those persons who believe that it is the best way to bring up their child, are denied the opportunity to do so.